Five Pro Tips for Avoiding The Guilt Tripped Christmas Sunday Church Service

We have all looked at the calendar this year and know what's coming.  Yep, Christmas falls on a Sunday and you're dreading going back home. Lucky for you, heathens, you'll most likely be getting guilt tripped by Aunt Mary-Ruth into going with your extended family to a service filled with dusty hymnals and alter calls. For the Catholics, Christmas Mass is always a "Holy Day of Obligation" no matter what day it falls on. For organic loving liberals, it's mainly a chance to get caught up on the year's Best Picture nominations. But for those of you lukewarm Christians somewhere in between, Christmas falling on a Sunday causes problems: you have no excuse not to pay your indulgences, pull out the checkbook and rediscover the third verse of O Holy Night. And that's why I'm here: to give you these valuable excuses! So without further adieu, here's how you get out of morning service:

5. Tell Your Parents You're going to "Midnight Mass" instead, (the Glitter Themed Costume Party at Your Old Dance Club in High School). 
So your college World Religions 101 course illuminated your universe, but you don't want your parents to know about it?  That's fair enough.  Families are built on the assumption that Daddy knows best and Mommy acts like she cares.  So don't rock the boat. Don't ruin the Christmas experience for all of your siblings by bringing up your Nieztchean whackadoodle, you're such an elitist.  Just one up them instead.  "Excuse me, family? I will be attending my Christmas service tonight at midnight to honor the birth of our savior in the most sacred way possible--under candlelight and incense."  Then dress up as slutty Santa and go dance the night away at The Eagle.

4. You Want to Try Out Your Friend's New Church on the Other Side of Town
So you were too afraid to take your VIP pass to The Eagle and ended up sleeping on a stomach of peanut butter brittle and caramel corn (fatty).  Not to worry.  Contact one of your long lost friends from high school and ask to go to "church" with them.  The choice of friend here is crucial.  Selecting a friend who's too hedonistic will result in major amounts of suspicion by your parents.  Yeah, you can conjure up a story about your friend's renewed convictions-- their purchase of every Michael W. Smith CD and their mission trip to Algeria-- that's all nice, but how much do you want to work here?  And you don't want to produce a situation that ends up being worse than it already is. On the other hand, choosing a friend who actually goes to church will probably land you in a pew.  Fail.

3. Your Mom's Homemade Eggnog Had a Little Too much Egg and not enough "Nog." 
The classic excuse: I'm sick.  Hey it worked when you were five, why not bring it out again now?  It's best to use descriptive language like "I feel like I'm going to regurgitate a bubbly amalgamation of sanguine cranberry sauce, greasy sausage casserole and the eight oatmeal raisin cookies I ate this morning." Walk in a hunchback fashion, clenching your stomach, and point out the frequency with which you are using to the bathroom.  Think of questions to ask about the service when they return, and if all goes well you can catch up on True Blood while they're gone.

2. Blackmail Your Parents by Threatening to tell the Church Congregation about Their Copious Alcohol Imbibing 
Like Adele says, "Set fire to the rain." Sure they are just trying to be good parents, keep you in God's good graces; that doesn't mean you need to stay civil about it!  Go for the jugular, you were there when the waiter forgot to charge them for your meal and they didn't do anything.  Does mommy have a profanity problem?  Exploit it!  Again it's a balancing act.  You could bring up that time they went drunk to your fifth grade parent teacher conference but you might want to keep the whole "Billy's daddy ain't my daddy" secret hush hush...at least if Billy's back from prison by the time you get back into town.


1. You've Backslidden. Man Up Sucker.

Best bet, just say no.  Yeah, you may be engendering a decades long rift between you and your heavenbound family members but isn't it nice to know that you're holding your ground on what you believe in? You've come so far into adulthood to be pressured back into being a child now.  The modern church doesn't even represent the first century Christian model anyways! Love thy neighbor is the greatest commandment and you just went on your second date with the girl next door!  You're practically a saint for lending your copy of Dune to your coworker.  Don't fret.  It's just a church service and more likely than not they'll just sleep through it anyways.

And besides you still have two episodes of True Blood to watch.

12 Things to Consider when Buying Christmas Gifts for that Special Gay in Your Life

"Gay apparel"

So Christmas is upon us. Can you smell the pine needles in the office cubicles from over enthusiastic interior decorators trying to blend that line between "work" and "life?" Have you been accosted by the Salvation Army bell ringers' guilt trips? Have you reconciled your displeasure in the fact that the holiday season remains a commercialized blitzkrieg and has now even abandoned human interaction for the sterility of online shopping? Welcome. You are home.

But the people love the toys! How can you resist!? And that's what I want to talk about today: what to give the people for Christmas who mean the most to you (i.e. your gay friends).

Gays are a picky people; I should know--I've dated tons of them. So don't just pull up any national known brand name website and purchase, wrap, and deliver a $25 gift card: they are looking for something more than just your average perfunctory gifting! What's worse, they will punish you if you don't succeed! So, with great care (first thing to come in my head), I have assembled the 12 things that everyone should know when purchasing Christmas presents for the Gays, capital "G".

12. No matter what you think, it is too pedestrian. Wal-mart, Costco...The Sharper Image, I'm looking at you. Don't do it people! Don't give the gift of popcorn barrels and chocolate boxes, it's just so drab! If you're going to go through the trouble of even buying a present at least don't include it between your trips to get groceries and squirrel feed. And don't think these novelty gift stores where you go to buy 8 cylinder massage chairs are any different. They exist for you, the lazy, who has to have someone else tell them what is "soooooo hot" right now. We're going to make you better than that!

11. If you give the same present to another friend, you might as well include the receipt. Look, we gays understand that we aren't the only nephew on your Christmas list and we understand that there are the three other male and six other female young adults you're buying for, we can tend to get bunched together. They're all Millenials! Gen Y! Entitled little pricks! We're all the same really, so you can just buy us all iPod Nano's right? As if they were still cool. No! Take the time to at least act like you have insight into my personality. That way I won't just take the receipt and return it for some Day after Christmas Sale credit on eBay.

10. Always Include the Receipt Anyway. Who was I kidding, I'm just going to return it for Day after Christmas Sale credit on eBay.

9. A Good Wrapping Job is Worth at Least an Extra $75 in Value. Crisp edges, laced ribbon, custom made gift tags; these are what we're looking for people! What you think that just because I am 24 and only have two years left on your Obamasurance that I don't like ripping into the most perfectly constructed 90 degree angles I've seen since the seventh grade? Shoot. Don't just bag and crepe paper it either; I'm looking for effort here, and it's already clear the contents of said present are not going to impress me. You can control this. Own it.

8. Gifts Tangential to Alcohol are Preferred-But Don't Make it Fucking Obvious There is a way into the gays heart, and unlike straights, (fatties), it's not the stomach, it's the liver. Oh, so you thought Manhattan was a New York City borough? Looks like we have some drinking to do. But for Santa's sakes, don't wrap up a Jose Cuervo handle! So neanderthal. What are you thinking? Here, this is what the exchange looks like: buy some nice glassware, martini glasses for instance, a board game that "everyone in Provincetown is playing right now" and schedule a game night. That's it. "COSMOS GURLS!" says one of the gays. And everyone's happy. See that? That's manipulation into us thinking you weren't already planning that. End scene.

7. Your Gift Will Inescapably Be Used to Estimate Your Wealth Guys? Guys? Guys? Can I talk to you for a second please?! There's some things that we need to discuss. When you're at a White Elephant party, don't buy a discount Snuggie because you think it's just SO ironic. Yeah it's purple and everyone had their open back shower rugs draping off their arms for about a year. Don't do it. Your need for monetary affirmation is better than that. You can't let this opportunity to "accidentally forget the $15 limit" pass you by! Because I certainly won't. "What's that? You think the components of my homemade wine and cheese picnic set retail over $90? SHUT UP!" No but really they do, because I can.

6. Plants, Fish, Cats, Dogs, and Children are Expressly Prohibited Gift Ideas We don't do "daily displays of responsibility;" the orchid looks better as my iPad wallpaper.

5. Know Your Musicals We're getting down to the critical points now. For god's sake, if you're going to step into the realm of musical theater, you better be ready to play. Bette Midler may be everything to every gay born before 1975 but she means jack shit to me. Wicked, on the other hand, is trending VERY well now in the younger demographic. Hair and West Side Story are nice for the elitists. Andrew Lloyd Weber usually doesn't disappoint. Best option: just buy the Glee soundtracks.

4. When Possible, Avoid Books Hmmm, how do I say this? Books are great for planes, ellipticals, and "coffee days." We're smart, we've read The Picture of Dorian Gray just like the next guy...well... Anyways, books don't, however, serve much good when getting dolled up for amateur strip night over a row of sugared lemon drops, and if you think I'm talking candy, please refer to number 8. Audio Book? Great! iPad compatible? Wonderful! I'll get to it during my Miami layover. Just don't expect a book report anytime soon.

3. Ornately Decorated Home Baked Assorted Pastries will Buy you Sainthood "Oh.My.God. Did you bake these macarons yourself? Are those edible crystals? Glitter?! And the little box! Love! It!" The preceding reactions will ensure that you have the most unique and envied gift among your gay giving peers. Now just go spend a couple months figuring out how to bake that, or just buy some from your Beard Award Winning local bakery, and refer to number 9 for some personalized wrapping tips.

2. Never Buy Clothes, Your Aesthetic is Wrong Just don't. I don't want to wear your turtle necks no matter how many Brad from the Rachel Zoe Project wore. And don't say you consulted GQ, like that costs more than $10 bucks in print, free online. You're not winning any points here. In every case, you cannot win. I don't want your clothes. Go. Go. Where's the receipt? Macy's? And you now look cheap. The ritual of shopping is sacred among gays and as lookers-on you must honor its sanctity.

1. Giving the Gift of Jeans Two Sizes Too Small, Along with the Comment, "But you always look so good in skinny jeans!" Will Procure You Eternal Love. Finally, the most important rule for buying gifts for gays, the gift of assumed skinniness. Yeah, I don't "fit" into Ben Sherman. Yeah, I "grew out of size small" in the third grade. You don't know that. And if you do, now's not the time to come clean. It is paramount that you, as the neanderthal, view rule 2 in light of rule 1: rule 1 is not the gift of clothes. It is the gift of giving a gay what every boy dreams of: a size 24 waist. You know by now that I'll be returning it, and that you have no sense of style. Just let me look at it, hold it up, look at the inside tag, and proclaim "yep, you know my size!" in front of all my boys. I will never try it on, I will never even conjure up outfits. I will dream of fitting into its tight inseams and dance alone naked to Glee's cover of "Don't Stop Believing" with some crap chocolate I bought on the way home from Whole Foods. Done.

Well that's it, now you know what you need to do in the next week for all the gays in your life!

The PNB's Nutcracker was Amazing!

Last night, I went all out for the most elaborate first date I've organized (most of my first dates usually involve the words "grande" or "on tap"). I decided to buy tickets to the Pacific Northwest Ballet's 2011 production of Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker. It was the best decision ever. Now, I'm not a ballet aficionado so I won't even begin to do an artistic critique of the production but I will tell you that the experience was hypnotizing.

Even for those of you who haven't experienced ballet, I highly suggest going and seeing the piece before the season ends. Almost every major city has a production of it around this time of year and you will certainly recognize many of the pieces (mostly in the second act).

One word of advice: ballet's are not movies, musicals, or even operas--so don't expect them to be. They are something entirely different. Especially for Tchaikovsky's pieces (I've also seen Swan Lake and Sleeping Beauty), the story is simply a loose thread to combine the movements. Read the story beforehand so you know what is going to happen, but don't stay fixed on it. Enjoy the dancing just like you would enjoy a painting and get lost in the colors and details (which PNB highlighted so well).

I think it's great to get out and experience arts that you may not have much connection to; it's great for inspiration.

The Stranger Posted my Letter to the Editor!

Hi everyone!

Last night I was in a cafe before a date, thumbing through The Stranger (Seattle's alternative newspaper), and I came up on an article about marijuana legalization. Contained therein, was an argument that legalizing pot would have life saving effects for current pot distributors. I didn't buy it.

So, this morning, with my pajamas still on and the taste of Cranberry-Vodkas still in my mouth, I wrote a letter to the editor saying how I disagreed. I felt they were only looking at a sliver of the picture without analyzing the full forecast a legalization would engender. And, well, they posted it!

Not only am I excited my opinions have now entered public discourse, this is a really exciting event for me as a writer, and I'm stoked :D

Click here to read the article!

Secretary Clinton's Monumental LGBT Speech to the UN. Now What?

On December 6th, Secretary Clinton addressed the United Nations in Geneva in a speech entitled "Free and Equal in Dignity and Rights." I have pasted the entire speech above but a quick Google search can give you the highlights of what was truly a groundbreaking moment for pushing LGBT rights on an international level. Clinton boldly proclaimed that "human rights are gay rights, and gay rights are human rights;" " Like being a woman, like being a racial, religious, tribal, or ethnic minority, being LGBT does not make you less human;" and "It was not only those who’ve justified slavery who leaned on religion, it was also those who sought to abolish it."

LGBT advocacy groups went crazy after hearing a completely unequivocal call to manifest the equal rights that LGBT humans are entitled to. Secretary Clinton gave no qualifications, no caveats, and no open doors through which opponents could find safety in their misguided views. She simply said LGBT people are humans, they deserve all human rights. End of story. The LGBT community finally saw the shameless leader they had been looking for.

But where do we go from here? 2011 has been historically significant in other ways already: the end of Don't Ask Don't Tell, the legalization of same-sex marriage in New York and India, and various other legislative advancements around the world have brought us much joy. The fight is not over, though. The overarching Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) and the proceedings of Proposition 8 still hang forcibly in the air, and with election season already showing punches will be thrown at the gay community, much work remains at combating general homophobia and heterosexism. What will the next chapter in LGBT rights look like?

If one thing is for sure we cannot go at this fight alone. We need our straight allies to add numbers, voice, and volume to our arguments to show that this is not simply a stubborn minority looking for additional privileges, but a movement to bring about full and complete equality for our community. Kids are killing themselves because they do not like the world and the life they have been born into. This is about life and death. Still, many more LGBT live lives filled with depression, anxiety, drug use, and unhappiness. When will LGBT youth be able to live publicly as the people they are with no stigma or judgment? We need to call on our straight allies and supporters to speak up when the conversation turns to LGBT subjects and present a loving, supportive voice for the opponents.

But even more, WE the LGBT community need to be united. I know that in my own experience I have seen gay men flat out deride each other over race, weight, voice, mannerisms, status, etc. Some of this is inevitable, but how can we present a strong movement if our own base is fractured? We must join together and look past our artificial labels if we want to have the means to topple bigotry. Furthermore, we need to fully accept bisexuality as a legitimate, defined sexuality and transgendered people as full members of our community. Many bisexuals write off any thought of joining the LGBT movement because they don't want to be turned into something they are not. It was only this year, even, when scientists who had promulgated a study dismissing bisexuality as a legitimate sexuality have now redacted it. Transgendered people, also, all too often feel gays would rather wish them away rather than looking after them. A brief look at criminal violence against the LGBT community will reveal a stunning disproportionate amount of transgendered victims.

We need to look constantly for ways in which we can allow our voices to be heard. If you work for a company, ask if there is an LGBT Employee Resource Group (ERG) that you can attend. Write letters to your politicians demanding representation for you. Join community activities that strengthen LGBT equality. And most of all, become a constant force against ill formed logic, misinterpreted religion, and fear mongering. YOU are human. YOU deserve to love whom you love. YOU deserve to live in a world free of violence and emotional distress due to whom you are. Like Secretary Clinton said, "Gay rights are human rights, and human rights are gay rights." Together, we all need to repeat this sentiment whenever any person should have the gall to oppose it.

Hugo 3D: Movie Review

Hey All!

Check out the trailer below.

That was the trailer for Hugo in case you haven't seen it yet. Isn't it breathtaking? It's based on the similarly titled book, The Invention of Hugo Cabret and is a quite simply a beautifully rendered film, a feast for the eyes.

Although I haven't read the book myself, many have--it was the number one Black Friday book sold in 2007, the year of its release. With a strong emphasis on visuals and cinephilia, the book necessitated a bold and brave leap to the silver screen to do it justice: as you can see above, the story centers around the whimsy of early mechanics and cinema. And who better to direct that leap than Martin Scorsese?

Well... that might not have been my first guess. It's not that I would doubt the ability of the legendary director of Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and The Departed to successfully bring this emotional children's story to life. It's just, you know, a resume of bloody gang movies doesn't seem to flow naturally into the whimsical world of Parisian clockwork and bustling train stations. It was an artistic shift to say the least, but did Scorsese succeed?

Well, sort of.

Let me start with the good parts. Does the film convey the magic of invention, a boy's imagination and pure hearted movie making that characterized the early 20th century? Yes, hands down. The film constantly dazzles the audience with its beautiful architecture and expansive attention to detail. Then, does the film convey a solid emotional arc of lives built up, destroyed and revived? Yeah, it does. I will admit that the movie made me very emotional. So what am I complaining about then, you ask? Well, even with all of that, there's some kind of "umph" missing from the film, something that you sense vaguely at the outset that doesn't fully get addressed.

With a riches to rags to riches narrative, you would expect the story to follow some kind of a Dickensian variation. (A not so subtle allusion to David Copperfield is even made at one point.) However, although it hits on the usual stepping stones, Scorsese's story telling seems burdened under the weight of itself, like a growing child fearful of his own developing strength. Conversations draw out with languid banality. Minor characters flit onto the screen with no real footing. In addition to Hugo searching for his automaton's spare parts the film also seems to be desperately trying to find its true voice.

It's not until well into the film that a very powerful and emotional Scorsese intervenes into the plot, metaphorically, that we are given a sincere vision for what Hugo was meant to be. Unfortunately, as heartfelt as that vision is, it seems like an intruder--as if Hugo (and Hugo) are just conduits for getting across someone else's vision. And even though that vision was utterly breathtaking, I was left feeling like we were missing out on the story we were told we would see. Now, the plot hints that this may have been deliberate, and perhaps that qualifies my sentiments, but even so, I still felt like Hugo was two halves of two different stories.

Overall? This movie ABSOLUTELY MUST be seen in 3D, and when seen such, will provide you a stunning magicality that, more than anything, indoctrinates 3D movie making into the history of legitimate film technique. Go for the experience of film itself, if not for a gripping story line. Perhaps that's what Scorsese wanted: a return to the magic of groundbreaking cinema before we grew accustomed to its illusion.

3 out of 4 stars.

"The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" Trailer

Hey all! So in case you haven't seen it yet (or even if you have) I wanted to share The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo trailer with you because I'm getting so excited to see it on December 21st!

Enjoy!