Five Steps to Coming Out!

First thing's first, "the Twitter" is as funny as "my Myspace..." and that's why I use it exclusively when referring to our great modern meat processor of digital quote sharing.  Ok.  The Twitter is actually sort of fun, I'll admit.  For instance, tonight, I was told that there was a "Twitter Chat" regarding Gay YA characters and how they come out either before or during a book's series of events (shout out to Mom at writofwhimsy.blogspot.com for telling me of the event!!!!).  For the digitally challenged among us, myself often included in this grouping, a "Twitter Chat" is essentially a group of Tweeters'  attempt to turn The Twitter into a gigantic forum, akin to the AOL group chats of yore.  The mood is somewhat chaotic, somewhat defensive, somewhat jockeying, but, overall, energetic. Within minutes of joining and proceeding through an around-the-circle introduction of the participants (not to mention some technical reconfigurations on my end), we were talking about the continuing need for the "coming out" story among LGBT teenagers, the stereotypical characterization (or not) of Tiny in Green/Levithan's Will Grayson, Will Grayson, an apparent need for LGBT characters of color, politically active queer characters, and most likely a handful of other topics lost in the melee.

Overall, I found the firestorm of comments enlightening.  For one, there were many straight authors/readers who were genuinely interested in learning about the nuances of gay characters, specifically making them authentic while avoiding the label of stereotypical.  It was also enjoyable seeing books being referred to that I have read myself, as well as the mini critiques and reviews that the participants had of them.  From the glimpse into the industry through this online microcosm, I can tell that there are certainly a market of readers who enjoy this topic and a wealth of authors ready to feed their interests.

So what do I think of the actual prompt for the conversation, i.e. having gay characters come out either pre-story or during story (not to mention the option of post-story which a certain aspiring author may be incorporating...)?  Well here is a short list of attributes of "coming out" for a gay person that I think are somewhat universal for an author to consider, specifically, whether he/she wants to include the range of emotions and trials associated with them.

1. Coming out internally may be the most important realization to a gay person up to that point in his/her life.
When I say "internally" here, I literally mean a person being able to think to themselves, "yeah I'm gay" or at least, "yeah, I think I am not entirely straight."  It takes a lot for a person, especially with difficult and strict upbringings, to even go to this place in their head...and many people don't for a very long time or at all.  Despite what any gay activist person tells you, our society is still run with heterosexuality as the "norm" or "default."  Because of this, when a person is willing to go to this place in their head, it inevitably (for some amount of time, at least) leads to....

2. A sense of "different" or "outcast" after internally coming out. 
Now, here is where I might get some difference of opinion.  I know many people who have grown up knowing they are gay and have said they never felt any sense of judgment, stigma, or ridicule.  For these people, I say, be thankful.  But to them, I will also say that even if no one ever said anything derogatory, there is simply some level of "us" and "them" that occurs, even if "them" are very, very, nice, accepting people.  This is why X-Men and most comic books sell so well with young gay males, we like the sense that these individuals have some ostracization from society.  In the worst cases, fire, brimstone, excommunication, and eternal damnation provide that subtle wall between "us" and "them." In any situation, the manual for growing up gay is still being chartered, and until recently, was nowhere to be found in media.

3. The dreaded "closet."
This period technically occurs in time with number two above, although it may continue indefinitely, even after any sense of difference or outcast has dissolved away.  As most people know, it's a time where people keep the secret to themselves, even when the entire world knows (see Anderson Cooper).  For the most part, this period in a gay individual's life is also where lookers-on will garner the information they need for the always entertaining "I always knew, you idiot" when the person actually does come out. It can be a painful time though, producing multiple faces for different crowds, duplicity, internal loathing, explosions of emotional turmoil, etc.  Nowadays, I would say that this period has been significantly decreased in duration from the lifetime of closethood of actors like Rock Hudson or Cary Grant.

4. The secret coming out
I don't think I have ever heard of an individual coming out to every single person he or she knows at once, in one single public service announcement.  It just doesn't happen.  Instead, we rely on our best girlfriends, guy friends, moms, dads, aunts, teachers, counselors, or even the insanely romantic, first love interest to tell someone else in the world that we are gay.  From there, we process the reaction (hopefully, if the person has been chosen strategically, the reaction will be favorable), and, usually, this one confidant helps us move forward in telling more people.

5. The public coming out
After we have waited for the coagulation of brain matter to subside after realizing we're gay, feeling like we have no place in society, and actually vocalizing this to another individual, we begin accepting what this might look like on a grander scale...after we get past the damn drama.  As stated in the Twitter Chat, this stage really never ends.  I have probably come out about thirty times in my life to different peers, coworkers, etc, but that first time is always different.  Often it's not planned, scheduled or even independently administered.  Often it's brought on as self-acceptance grows and comments, mannerisms, demeanor, and worldviews change to the point that someone says, "hey, you know what, I never thought about this, but are you gay?" "Why yes, best friend, I am."   At that point, things spread, people ask for confirmation, guys come up to you for your number, girls ask to go shopping, Facebook begins posting ads for skimpy Australian swimwear, and you get "The Big Book of Being Gay" in the mail (I wish on the last one).

After that, CONGRATULATIONS! You're "out," officially!  Authors have to ask themselves, is this an event in the life of my character that I want to even delve into?  It could take a chapter or three or twenty...and maybe that's not the story you want to tell.  Maybe you want to jump in midstream, or to the part where they begin repeating "yes I'm gay" like a one phrase Tickle Me Elmo. That's really up to the author. But I do agree with my fellow Gay YA twitter chat members that this arc will certainly hold an important part in young LGBT people's lives for a good amount of time into the future.