Five Pro Tips for Avoiding The Guilt Tripped Christmas Sunday Church Service

We have all looked at the calendar this year and know what's coming.  Yep, Christmas falls on a Sunday and you're dreading going back home. Lucky for you, heathens, you'll most likely be getting guilt tripped by Aunt Mary-Ruth into going with your extended family to a service filled with dusty hymnals and alter calls. For the Catholics, Christmas Mass is always a "Holy Day of Obligation" no matter what day it falls on. For organic loving liberals, it's mainly a chance to get caught up on the year's Best Picture nominations. But for those of you lukewarm Christians somewhere in between, Christmas falling on a Sunday causes problems: you have no excuse not to pay your indulgences, pull out the checkbook and rediscover the third verse of O Holy Night. And that's why I'm here: to give you these valuable excuses! So without further adieu, here's how you get out of morning service:

5. Tell Your Parents You're going to "Midnight Mass" instead, (the Glitter Themed Costume Party at Your Old Dance Club in High School). 
So your college World Religions 101 course illuminated your universe, but you don't want your parents to know about it?  That's fair enough.  Families are built on the assumption that Daddy knows best and Mommy acts like she cares.  So don't rock the boat. Don't ruin the Christmas experience for all of your siblings by bringing up your Nieztchean whackadoodle, you're such an elitist.  Just one up them instead.  "Excuse me, family? I will be attending my Christmas service tonight at midnight to honor the birth of our savior in the most sacred way possible--under candlelight and incense."  Then dress up as slutty Santa and go dance the night away at The Eagle.

4. You Want to Try Out Your Friend's New Church on the Other Side of Town
So you were too afraid to take your VIP pass to The Eagle and ended up sleeping on a stomach of peanut butter brittle and caramel corn (fatty).  Not to worry.  Contact one of your long lost friends from high school and ask to go to "church" with them.  The choice of friend here is crucial.  Selecting a friend who's too hedonistic will result in major amounts of suspicion by your parents.  Yeah, you can conjure up a story about your friend's renewed convictions-- their purchase of every Michael W. Smith CD and their mission trip to Algeria-- that's all nice, but how much do you want to work here?  And you don't want to produce a situation that ends up being worse than it already is. On the other hand, choosing a friend who actually goes to church will probably land you in a pew.  Fail.

3. Your Mom's Homemade Eggnog Had a Little Too much Egg and not enough "Nog." 
The classic excuse: I'm sick.  Hey it worked when you were five, why not bring it out again now?  It's best to use descriptive language like "I feel like I'm going to regurgitate a bubbly amalgamation of sanguine cranberry sauce, greasy sausage casserole and the eight oatmeal raisin cookies I ate this morning." Walk in a hunchback fashion, clenching your stomach, and point out the frequency with which you are using to the bathroom.  Think of questions to ask about the service when they return, and if all goes well you can catch up on True Blood while they're gone.

2. Blackmail Your Parents by Threatening to tell the Church Congregation about Their Copious Alcohol Imbibing 
Like Adele says, "Set fire to the rain." Sure they are just trying to be good parents, keep you in God's good graces; that doesn't mean you need to stay civil about it!  Go for the jugular, you were there when the waiter forgot to charge them for your meal and they didn't do anything.  Does mommy have a profanity problem?  Exploit it!  Again it's a balancing act.  You could bring up that time they went drunk to your fifth grade parent teacher conference but you might want to keep the whole "Billy's daddy ain't my daddy" secret hush hush...at least if Billy's back from prison by the time you get back into town.


1. You've Backslidden. Man Up Sucker.

Best bet, just say no.  Yeah, you may be engendering a decades long rift between you and your heavenbound family members but isn't it nice to know that you're holding your ground on what you believe in? You've come so far into adulthood to be pressured back into being a child now.  The modern church doesn't even represent the first century Christian model anyways! Love thy neighbor is the greatest commandment and you just went on your second date with the girl next door!  You're practically a saint for lending your copy of Dune to your coworker.  Don't fret.  It's just a church service and more likely than not they'll just sleep through it anyways.

And besides you still have two episodes of True Blood to watch.